Fertility Diary #1: Trying to Conceive – Mechanical Baby Making

5th May 2013

We were sitting in our flat on a Sunday afternoon: Dave* said very calmly, do you feel ready for a baby? I replied, ‘Yes I want nothing more.’ 

‘OK babe… , let’s try, but please don’t let it take over.’

I said nothing: just took my clothes off! To bed we went.

As I went to sleep that evening, after hours of thinking…‘oh this is so happening’, 

I had never felt so happy. I’m 30 years old and knew it was the right time. 

The next day I booked an appointment at the doctors. I bought myself some ‘trying for a baby tablets’ and could not wait to get Dave in bed … again…

Three days later, I went to the doctors. I told the doctor we were trying for a baby and asked if there was anything I needed to do. She said, ‘all you have to do is not think about it and relax!’ From the day, we started I gave up mayonnaise and red wine, and guess what, I never felt relaxed!!

Period due in two days: I felt sick and tired… I must be pregnant? 

I endured a day of period pains and felt pissed off…. still, I could be pregnant? On my way back from work I bought a pregnancy test. I did think ‘you total idiot’ but was way too excited. 

That evening I came on. 

Oh, must say, my periods are dead on 28 days (perfect cycle), 

How did I feel? I cried for about two hours (did not tell Dave, remembering his words… ‘don’t let it take over!’) I poured myself a red wine and thought, ‘oh well will try again next week’. 

I will skip 10 more period stories…because the same happened every month.

How did I feel? Totally heartbroken, pissed off, worthless, what have I done to deserve this? I have put my life on hold for the last year; no going out out, no getting tipsy or having fun. I wasn’t eating what I wanted. Most of all, sex was no longer about love and fun. It was a mission and task that I no longer enjoyed – mechanical baby making. I was turning into a crazy emotional wreck, waving the smily face stick at Dave and believing he instantly had the raging horn.No, sex was a bloody mission and after the good deed, I would literally hang upside down with legs open, hoping for the shining light to beam down on my raw vagina. But that light never did shine, it instead just left me wearing panty-liners for what felt like evermore.

The people that say it will happen if you ‘just relax’ or ‘don’t think about it’ are wrong. It’s not a case of wham bam and thank you baby. NO PEOPLE!!! It does not just happen. Take your positives and do one!!

2020 Reflection

 Sitting here, reflecting back on the year of trying for a baby. 

Why do couples have to wait for 1 year before you can go to your G.P? It’s a year wasted and age/biological clock ticks (fast). Dave and I were doing everything we could to give us the best chance! Personally I would go to the doctor after 6 months especially if you’re over the age of 30. Also, in 2020 there is so much support, I would reach out and even pay privately to have fertility tests, right from the word go. That’s my opinion anyway. It would have saved us the the pain of monthly disappointment and generally making yourself ill. Looking back, I would not follow such a strict diet and would allow myself a wine over the weekend, my mental health is far more important. I lost weight and generally was unhappy, why put yourself through that for 12 months! 

*Dave is a made up name to protect our identity, as any one who is entering the adoption process will understand, safeguarding and identity must be protected and respected.


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